Genesis 1:2 “The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.”
Black. Emptiness. Anger. Confusion.
A dark room without any light shining in it was where I found myself upon waking up from a nightmare. This was my moment of either I serve God with all of my heart, or I walk away and ending up condemned for life. Darkness filled my heart and mind; I couldn’t seem to find a way out. I felt as if things were getting harder as time passed and there was no way out. Depression had brought me to a state where I would cry myself to sleep every day. I did not want any light coming into my room, the darker the better for me. Light would disturb me. Light made me uncomfortable.
As I surrendered that day to God, I knew that things would get better eventually. I was able to feel His love and warmth in me. I was able to feel His acceptance. I have always felt, how can someone so pure love someone like me? But, He has, all the time, every day, non-stop.
Colossians 1:13 “He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love,”
As time has progressed, still a certain part of me would still hide under that darkness. Especially when things have gone wrong. The darker the better. The less I see, the less I feel. Ironically, I have not liked to go out at night by myself. The reason was that I could feel as if I was being followed and at any moment something could jump out and get me. For the sins that I have committed and not committed, I had a lot of shame and feelings of unworthiness.
Then, my family and I came to International Pentecostal Church. I was very reluctant to make the change. But God, was at work and began to move in a mighty way within me. About a year of being a member of IPC, I decided to redecorate. I ended up getting some light color drapes and my first thought after hanging them up was, “Oh no, the light will get in.” Right away the answer was, “you need more Light in your life.”
“Yes, Jesus, I do.”
Luke 11:35 “Therefore take heed that the light which is in you is not darkness.”
I thought that I was going to be having a hard time adjusting to a lighter room, especially on the days I would want to sleep in, but I have not until this day had any problem with it all. God did not stop there. There were still moments where I would feel very sad and I would isolate, but I no longer craved for it to be in the darkness. I have many times turned on the light in my room, prayed, and/or read the Bible to remove any type of darkness trying to creep in.
IPC’s Free Indeed women’s group came about earlier this year and my moment of coming out of darkness has finally been on the horizon. I have shined light upon sins of adultery, fornication, pornography, and sexual abuse to name a few. And I am beyond grateful for God’s grace and love toward me. No matter what I have done or has been done to me, He still loves me. I do not need to hide in darkness any longer.
A new creation
I am also grateful for a church family who chose to love me for me, not for what I have done. A family who lives by what God’s love truly is. As time has progressed, I have felt how much I have stepped out of the darkness. I am not the same person that drove in on that first prayer drive-thru. God still has a lot of molding to do in my life, I am just grateful, that it is now under His light.
1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”