Guilt still lingers
While repentance and baptism have cleansed me of my sins, the residue of guilt and shame still lingers in my life from time to time.
Why do I still feel this way? I’ve done my part! After getting the Holy Ghost, I have had my sins literally washed away like in Acts 2:38. I even remind myself of that verse in 2 Corinthians 5:17, where it says that I am a “new creature,” and that “old things have passed away”.
Yes, this is a fact! But even after all of that, the devil still tries to remind me of my past. But I’m determined to not let the enemy win the battle of my mind.
In 2009, I shared my testimony about having a same-sex affair ten years prior. That was the first time my secret was exposed. Up until that moment, I had lived in bondage, fearing my husband, children, and church family ever knowing what I had done. Of course, the Lord never humiliates us, does everything in order, and orchestrates it all, always the gentleman.
I had confessed my sin and asked forgiveness from my family and God. It was under the blood! The affair had ended as quickly as it had started and never happened again. I was serving God and even in ministry.
Although I was never ridiculed and shamed, the old message remained, “Okay, you did it. Now move on and act like it never happened.” I never talked about it or discussed it again. Inside I was still ashamed, condemned, and hurting. The enemy continued to accuse me of being filthy, worthless, and unworthy of God’s mercy, grace, and love. He was still using the secrets of my sins to hold me in bondage.
Why I have to speak out
So, why do I need to talk about it again? Because in James 5:16 it tells us to “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed…” Talking brings the healing God has promised.
Thirteen years later, the women’s Free Indeed ministry at International Pentecostal Church has allowed me to talk and work through my past. The key word here is “TALK.” Not until I could openly talk about all the embarrassment, shame, condemnation, and hurt did the enemy lose his control over me. Talking about our addictions to pornography, same-sex attractions, infidelity, sexual impurities, and all the secrets truly sets us free.
Talking is like the door in a closet. Behind the door is all the clutter we have hidden away in a dark place where no one can see it. I John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” Opening that door exposes it to the light (the perfect love of Christ), and it becomes visible casting the fear out. The Lord wants to shed His light on it and heal us completely and release us from the enemy’s bondage.